If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
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They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I hope your spoon slides into your soup