Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
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WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.