The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
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I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Strange
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.