My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
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My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
[At the restaurant]
One cannibal to another: *browsing the uninspiring menu* I just think they should’ve been clearer in their advertising when they said that they had an award-winning head chef here.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Breaking news:
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
WIFE: It’s your turn to change the baby.
ME: Ugh fine.
[later]
WIFE: Why does our baby have a septum piercing?
ME: His name is torch now.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair