If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
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Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No