olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
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me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
[eats all your cotton candy]
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.