I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
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hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.