“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
You Might Also Like
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.