Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
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An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
dictator is short for richard potato
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.