ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
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My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
crochet youtube is brutal
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
same vibe as tangled headphones
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
*exercises sarcastically*
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.