If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
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I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Breaking news:
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”