I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
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I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
Blew out my flip flop…
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.