robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
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I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?