Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
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Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
everyone has that one prude friend
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
do u think theres a butter planet?
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
The hardest thing Vision has to do
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.