[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”