“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please