Me driving through Toronto
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Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Tell the colonel to bring it
In banana years, I am bread.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.