Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
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If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back