1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
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Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?