Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
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REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..
My surgeon friends disagreed.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
Best spot.. 😅
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday