I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
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Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky