*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
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[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”