I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
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Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
Effort made
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
it is time once again
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery