when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
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“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Ferrari squats
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane