Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
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If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
goldfish mafia
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.