this country is so goddamn polarized
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The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.