*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
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I’m not saying over a year in quarantine has messed with me but a tiny lizard got into my apartment and I was like, “oh good, you made it.”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
me when the borders lift
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Just had my nails done!
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.