Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
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Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”