“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
You Might Also Like
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
HR said no more nunchucks.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
I’m about to risk it all
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc