People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Awesome parenting 😂
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
How can I say no to this ?
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass