Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
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i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Yes
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
#gardening
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.