why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off