Her: đ Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
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if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by âIâm fineâ unless thereâs a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering âyouâre so lucky to be illiterateâ
absolute chaos
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Me too door. Me too.
Me: I donât want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, itâs like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim âYAY I DID ITâ from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Trumpy Cat
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’sâ
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”