i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
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Do not go gentle into that good night,
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can