My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
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Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
motivation
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Once I ate 32 consecutive flavorless oreos before realizing they were checkers
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice