Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows