me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
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They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Cartman: Respect my
a a
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.