Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
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Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
A choir of Spring onions
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
I told my vodka about you.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
Classic German Shepherd 😂
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.