I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
You Might Also Like
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
#SaturdayBears
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.