I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
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The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?