therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
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Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I learned my first lesson at ninja school today: Do not wear corduroy pants.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
it’s the silliest best thing
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.