Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
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[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
The pen is writier than the sword.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.