I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
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Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
buys donuts instead
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.