[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
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“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
He a real one for that
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over