The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
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Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
How to wake up a Beagle
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?