Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
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Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.