ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
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Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
A roof is a house hat.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
BRO LMFAO
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.