“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
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Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.