Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
You wish you had this many chins.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.