Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
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doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Ten days without sweets and I’ve already blocked 2367 people.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead